


Fuck Planet

by thanissoff



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ailen voyerism at its best, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Love Island Fusion, Extremely multi-coupling but Reylo focus/endgame, F/F, F/M, Fake Relationship, Fuck Marry Kill (kinda), M/M, Which Aliens should they fuck y’all?, and tbh I have no ideas what other pairings/side pairings will emerge So Beware All Who Enter Here, but Not a devoted reylo piece even a little, the lucasfilm creature department is horny on main and we should say it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 02:36:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20481455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanissoff/pseuds/thanissoff
Summary: Fuck Planetis an HoloNet reality holoshow which takes single participants to a gorgeous villa in Naboo to see if any sparks fly. To survive in the villa the planeters must be coupled up with another planeter, whether it be for love, friendship or money, as the overall winning couple receives 50,000 galactic credits.





	Fuck Planet

The first thing that happens when Kylo lands on Naboo is he is asked to put his hand in a bag. “Don’t worry,” Sheev says, smiling a rather horrific smile. “Nothing to be afraid of.”

From the bag, he pulls a little red marble, smaller than his thumbnail.

“Excellent,” Sheev says, his voice crackling. “You’ll be on the first team then.”

Kylo nods, and squares his shoulders and makes his way towards the first transport.  _ Here we go. I’ve got this. _

He’s not naive enough to actually think he’ll find love on this planet, no matter what all the advertisements say about it. He also doesn’t need fifty thousand credits. So why is his throat going dry as he imagines someone-- _ anyone _ \--looking at him with soft eyes? Lips, soft against his? A hand, entwining with his own?

_ Cut the shit, Kylo. Love like that doesn’t exist. _

_ Love is a lie. _

It’s not called  _ Love _ Planet, after all.

It’s called Fuck Planet.

* * *

_ Four beings are sitting on lounge chairs--a gungan, two humans, an abednedo.  _

_ “Who’s this coming through?” Poe asks, waving as Kylo appears. “Welcome to the Planet.” _

_ The house they’re sitting in front of is huge, and mostly all windows, overlooking a lovely lake and hilly vista. Inside there is a gym, a kitchen, two private bedrooms--locked for now--and one huge bedroom with six large beds in it.  _

_ “Kylo,” Kylo says, extending his hand to each of the other members of Team Red.  _

_ “Poe,” Poe replies. “Jessika, Oddy, and Trisada. You Team Red this week also?” _

_ Kylo nods.  _

* * *

_ “He’s a weird guy, Kylo,” Poe says to the camera. “A bit standoffish. Like I get that it’s Fuck Planet and not Friend Planet but still--might be good to get to know some of us and not just stand there like an awkward, overgrown mynock.” He leans back in the seat, shrugging. “It’s his problem, though, isn’t it? I dunno--I’d just try and be a little nicer if I was him. We’re all on the same team this week, but we might not all be on the same team next week, so who even knows.” _

* * *

The last arrival to their little team of six is another human, short with raven hair that she was wearing pulled back into a pair of pig-tails on either side of her head. “Rose,” she said, extending her hand to Kylo, who was closest before introducing herself to the rest. “So this is our team?” she asked.

“Seems like it.”

“Hello Team Red,” comes a voice and they all turn. The humanoid--Kylo wasn’t sure what sort of being he is--is wearing a gold bathrobe, and his warm smile doesn’t quite reach his cold, blue eyes. 

“Hello,” come the murmurs of six voices. 

“Welcome to Fuck Planet,” he says. “I’m Snoke, and I’ll be the liaison between you and the rest of the galaxy.” His eyes seem to drip over each and every one of the members of the team, taking in the shirtlessness--Poe also has good abs, even if Kylo’s are better. He is genetically disposed to an eight-pack, one of the few things he thanks his mother for. “In a few minutes, we’ll bring in the members of Team Blue. When they come in, one by one, you’ll be asked to step forward to indicate your attraction. They’ll then decide if they wish to couple up with you. Once they’ve selected a partner, we’ll repeat the process, but remember--you’ll be able to step forward every time, even if you’ve already been coupled.”

They nod. They’ve all read the documentation on this, gone through the orientation interviews. This is for the benefit of the people who are sitting at home watching on the HoloNet. 

“You all ready?” Snoke asks.

They nod. 

“Very well, let the selections begin.” He claps his hands and a moment later a Twi’lek is coming out of the house in a very skimpy bathing tog. She’s a sort of sky blue and her eyes are dark and her lips painted a deep red.

“This is Oolaa,” Snoke says, resting a hand on Oolaa’s shoulder. “Now, Team Red, which of you are attracted to Oolaa? Step forward now, don’t be shy.”

Every single one of them do. She’s hot, Kylo supposes. He wouldn’t mind being coupled with her. And besides, if he does get picked--unlikely, despite his abs. No one’s ever told him he’s handsome--if he likes someone more, he can step forward later. 

Oolaa observes them all standing there, then points to Oddy, giving him a peck on the cheek and taking his hand. 

And Snoke summons the next contestant. 

This one’s a human man with dark skin and short curling hair that’s styled twirling away from his head in short twists. And almost before Snoke even opens his mouth, Rose is stepping forward, one strong step towards the man in question.

“This is Finn,” Snoke says, eyeing Rose while people laugh amusedly. Rose’s eyes are on Finn and there’s a fiery determination there. Or maybe it’s just lust. 

* * *

_ “Finn is my dream man. I just look at him and I can tell this guy--this guy’s a hero. The sort of guy that my sister would be proud to see me with, you know?” Rose takes a deep breath “So, of  _ course _ I’m going to take a step forward. He’s made of husband material.” _

* * *

Finn is grinning as Jessika and Poe also take steps forward, but it doesn’t really surprise Kylo at all that he makes a beeline for Rose and Rose fucking goes for it and gives him a kiss on the lips. 

Kylo turns his attention back to Snoke. The others that come through, well, they don’t pique his interest. There’s Thanisson, a bit weedy for his taste; Jannah, who doesn’t even look in his direction once before they’re asked to step forward, so he’s not gonna fucking step forward for her, even if he does think she’s attractive; Dopheld who is just not his type; and then…

She’s tall, with legs that go on for days, and tanned, and freckled, and slim in a muscular sort of way. She’s got arm muscles that give her thinness more a wiriness than a slimness--not that he’s sure that makes sense as he tries to process it--and he’s fairly certain that if she flexed her abs, there’d be some pretty hot definition there and he barely even catches her name when Snoke introduces her and tells her that Kylo’s the only one who’s not coupled yet, but that she can couple up with anyone, regardless of who’s already in place. 

Kylo steps forward for the first time since Oolaa, and he sees her hazel eyes land on him, give him a once over, then glance at Oddy, who is also stepping forward, despite having landed Oolaa in the first round, and Trisada, who had seemed a little less than thrilled when Dopheld had chosen her despite her not having even stepped forward for him, but he hadn’t wanted to break up any of the other couples. 

Then her eyes are back on his and his mouth goes dry. Her eyes are  _ so  _ beautiful, a lightness to the hazel that takes his breath away.

And then she’s walking towards Trisada and god this is some fucking bullshit. Mitaka is walking back towards Snoke, his face a little pink, and Snoke turns to him, and says, “So Dopheld, you can either break up one of our couples already in place or couple up with Kylo.”

And Dopheld--coward that he is--couples up with Kylo.

* * *

_ “It’s just the first bit, you know?” Dopheld says, hunched forward a little bit, “Like, I’m sure once we all know each other a little bit better, coupling up will be easier. I don’t know--I just--Kylo looks intimidating and that’s why I didn’t go for him to begin with. That and he didn’t step forward. But...yeah. Not thrilled. Sort of nervous, to be honest.” _

* * *

_ Three humans sitting by the pool--Rey, Finn, and Jannah. Oolaa walks over. _

_ “How’s everyone feeling about their pairs?” Oolaa asks the three of them. She’s got a long flowy wrap around her shoulders now to protect her blue skin from the sun.  _

_ Finn nods, as does Jannah. Rey shrugs.  _

_ “Not thrilled with Trisada?” Oolaa asks her. _

_ “She’s nice. We’re getting along okay,” Rey replies.  _

_ “But?” _

_ “Well…” _

_ “You think you should have picked Kylo?” _

_ “No,” Rey says a little too quickly because Oolaa cocks her head, smirking. _

_ “He’s fit,” Oolaa says. “Did you see that eight-pack? Utterly shredded.” _

_ “I mean, yes,” Rey says. “It was just--I don’t know. The way he was looking at me, it felt sort of...off.” _

_ Finn laughs. “He was probably trying to keep all the blood from flowing down to his groin. Have you seen yourself in this bathing tog?” _

_ Rey shifts and glances at Jannah, who’s watching her closely. “You think I should have done it?” _

_ Jannah shrugs. “Look, you’ve got to do what’s right for you. And if you don’t think doing him--” Oolaa’s smile widens, “--is right for you, then you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Even if I do worry about him and Dopheld sharing a bed for the next week.” _

* * *

Rey glances at Kylo out of the corner of her eye at dinner that night. He’s frowning, and listening to Thanisson while ignoring Mitaka and not looking at her at all.

_ Why do you want him to look at you?  _ Rey berates herself. 

No one has ever looked at her the way that Kylo had earlier that day. She hated it; she couldn’t stop thinking about it, the way his eyes seemed brighter, the way his lips had parted slightly at the sight of her.

She’s seen beings look at her as though she’s the hottest thing they’ve ever seen. She could do with it a little less than it actually happens. Thinking about feeding herself was always a higher priority than sex--not that that had stopped her from having sex, ultimately. But this--this wasn’t the same as that.

She doesn’t really know  _ what _ it was that Kylo had looked at her with, but she wishes he hadn’t, because she doesn’t want to think about it more than she has to.

She’s here for fifty thousand credits. 

Not looks.

Not love.

Not sex.

Fifty thousand credits, and she’ll never have to work for Unkar Plutt ever again.

* * *

“Goodnight everyone,” Poe says turning off the light and climbing into bed next to Jannah.

There are a few giggles. It’s awkward, after all, six pairs in beds in the  _ same _ room. No privacy, whatsoever, despite having only known one another for a few hours.

Kylo turns on his side, his back to Mitaka, facing the bed that Oolaa and Oddy are...well.

_ Ugh _ .

They’re definitely doing  _ something _ under the covers. He can hear some particularly wet kisses, a few sighs. 

“Some of us are trying to sleep here,” he grumbles at them.

“ _ Sorry _ ,” comes Oddy’s reply, but he doesn’t sound sorry at all.

He sounds like he has an erection and someone he thinks is hot is touching it.

_ Classic _ .

Kylo does his best to push the bitterness out of his chest.

No one’s ever wanted to touch him like that. Everyone looks at him like he’s this big, tall, scary monster whenever he is even mildly attracted to them. That’s why Dopheld is as far away from Kylo as he can get on the bed and why Rey had probably picked Trisada over him. God she’d been beautiful. And there was something to her face--he couldn’t quite describe it. Trying to describe it would probably land him in trouble because he’d start thinking too hard about her and his body would start reacting and the last thing he wants to do is for that to happen in a room of eleven other beings.

They don’t need to know he’s a virgin.

They really don’t need to know he’s a virgin.

And they  _ really _ don’t need to know that he’s never even kissed someone before.


End file.
